Tag Archives: Tundra

Tundra – To Rose

Hopefully the next person to read this will be Rose, or you’ll read it at some point.

Happy Birthday from all of us in the system, this is a rather delayed message I know, but I am always here to help you. This is where we keep everything up to date as much as possible with how we’re all doing, so if you feel like checking in but don’t want a conversation, or are questioning whether Tasha is being open enough, here is usually reliable. I have no idea what the history of this site contains, there is a lot, but we all post on here, there is now a rule that Beth cannot post, so you won’t see any more from her, though there are some past ones. No photo’s go up generally though.

In other news, I think you are a wonderful person, and have helped Tasha immensely. When Astra was visiting, we had a long conversation, and as I’m sure she’s told you, we both agreed you are kind, too kind, and like Tasha, try too hard to make all those around you happy and safe. Whilst this is commendable, both you and Tasha need to take time for yourselves more. You are both learning to say no though, which is good.

Also I may have mentioned this to Astra, but I appreciate all that you have done, and will continue to support you when you need it. Whether during one of Tasha’s episodes, or simply when you are not doing well. Much love Rose, take care. X

Tundra

If I may, I am going to run through the thought process of our pup for just a moment. As there is no way to convey this in any other format.
“I am amazing because…because I’m a fucking failure and still somehow have people supporting me? Because my life is stupid and pointless but I just can’t die? No, no I’m meant to think of good things, good things, I am amazing, I am amazing…..except I’m not, I’m appallingly useless and pathetic, I’m rubbish, I’m…I’m nothing…I’m no one good, and people will realise eventually and turn their backs and walk away wondering what kind of mistake they ever made…that’s me. A mistake.”
This is why it’s hard. This is why it’s a challenge. And this is only the first sentence of many. They go through this over and over, fighting to get the good thing, fighting to find it, to see themselves not as some demon…and now they’re scared, and now they’re lonely, and now they’re shutting people out, except still they’re not. Still they open up, and reach out. They expect daggers slicing their palm apart, but still they open it and reach, begging for one small thing: Someone to take their hand in theirs. Sure, they also want that person to pull them free of their own muddy grave, to help them be held close, to feel safe, but they don’t ask for that. All they ask is that that person does not let go. They expect them to, and they won’t resist, they will not cling.
Except this time. This time they are clinging, and they are not letting go, and they are so scared of these hands going limp, and dropping them. And so are we. We feel their fear, we see their nightmares, and we know their heart. And hear them cry.
Why do we stand by them despite all they have done? Despite their disaster inducing life? Because it’s not their fault, and every day they fight for something. No matter how small. And right now they are scared and more alone feeling than ever, but are unwilling to reach out until they know for sure. I will not explain, that is theirs to say. But I hope a hand will hold theirs tightly as they face this next challenge.