Watching/listening to my dad technology is painful. It looks like I’ll be editing his site for him….this is gonna be pain. Pain incarnate. I am about to go through one hell of a challenge in not destroying everything in fury, because dad doesn’t understand the internet. *pained sounds*

Hi, it’s….been a while. I’ve been out of the body for a little bit, and by little I mean over a week or two, I lost track, time went weird, but I am back, and had almost 24 hours of psychosis because Beth, otherwise known as Cassi, is an absolute bitch. However, I think I’m breaking my curse, bit by bit. Mornings are usually better, a bit anyway, but this morning is good, and I am determined to keep today good, to keep this ball rolling. Things are going to be okay, I’m sure. I’m going to move, I’m going to make new friends, and I’m going to meet new people.

Things will be okay.

I belong.

Everything hurts, everything is pain, everything is too bright, too much, too deep…and it hurts. I am living through life being told to jump into someones arms, and then they move, and are gone, and I’m falling.

I can’t do this.

Upside Downside time.

So, on the upside, I am doing better today and haven’t had a proper episode in a few days, and the one I did have turned into drinking with friends!

On the downside, I got mansplained and talked over at until I left early.

Upside, I am not hungover.

Downside, the 8 year old inside, Jenny, also got out a bit whilst drinking, and has now experienced being drunk.

Upside, she only drunk texted concern for other people.

Downside, it was Rose, who is already acting weird. (Which, in Jenny’s defence is probably why it happened)

Upside, Jenny also had a nice chat with the DID specialist and we may be trying to ease her paranoia (Jenny’s that is).

Downside, since I last posted, Beth has been active as fuck due to being summoned back into the system in an aim to protect other people.

Upside, she’s been quieter, and more easy to reason with.

Downside, that lured Rose into a conversation with her which took a really dark turn verbally.

Upside, we know Beth is still a bitch.

Downside, Beth is a bitch.

Overall…eh?

I am power, I am life, I am creation and I am destruction, I am connected to the earth in ways I forgot, in ways people don’t see, I see things yes, but they’re not the future, and not the past.

They are NOW.

I am now.

And I will not let them push me around anymore. I know what I am, who I am, and even if I don’t understand it? I am being it. And fuck anyone who tells me I’m wrong. I know what I know, and they can see their narrow walls all they want, those walls aren’t mine.

I am a Moon Beam, and I am strong.

I am Faeborn.

I’m scared. There’s a fae, not in my system, in someone else’s. And she’s scaring me. She and Orion got confrontational, and ever since I’ve been on edge, and then the other day when I was about to leave a friends house cos I felt an episode coming on, she came out. She told me to have fun. She knew. I knew. And the host doesn’t.

I don’t trust myself, but I’ve never trusted others. And yet I want to trust this person, the host. But with that fae inside her…I have to lock my door, I have to keep my distance, I have to be alert. And I am waiting for something bad to happen. She doesn’t know I’m old fae, she doesn’t know what we all are. We’re back to when it was day and night only. She’s new, and young. And I am so done with this bullshit, I want to feel safe, I want to feel sane, but I am….scared.

It’s bad enough another person inside you trying to kill you, when someone inside a friend hates you too…

I’m so close to leaving.

There is a skull inside my head forming, it is calling to other fae, it has Beth’s eye, and I keep feeling like something is coming, and keep dreaming other fae take control of me, but so far I’m still me. I hope the wolves know what’s going on because I sure as hell don’t…

So the upside of this blog is I can somewhat keep a track of who’s been in control. Hi Beth, you seem unwilling to talk directly to me, so I guess I’ll speak here. I know exactly what you meant in your last post, so thanks for the tip, you forget we share the same space, and, well, you’re not very original. I know now that it was you who took over a: without permission, b: without letting me know who it was, and c: pretended to be me. That’s a whole lotta fun right there huh? Well, if you wanna talk anytime, I am right here. Literally. Also what the fuck did you say to convince the wolves not to share? They seem to think it’s within my best interests not to know. But you aren’t exactly subtle.

In other news, I was entirely me at my dad, and then less so but still blunt about how much she’s put me through at my mum, and now I am getting neutral to silence from the both of them. It’s almost like they don’t know how to be reasonable people so are shunting the blame of them making my mental health worse RIGHT back at me. (Pro tip, it’s not almost like, it is exactly like.)

I also appear to be the best at writing long blogs, or rather not short ones. Sorry for worrying you Fuscus. I know, I said it in person already but…Imma make a point of saying it here as well. ❤

I am claiming first post as the main host 😀
So if you’re here you probably know me, if not, I am super suspicious of how you found me. I have many MANY diagnosees but DID is the on this place is going to focus on. This is somewhat inspired by the recent spate of people with mental health opening up about it all, but I’m going to let each personality/alter/whatever you wanna call them, my others, post blogs here. A lil escape for them if they need it, and an outlet for them. Feel free to send messages, ask question, or respond to stuff, though you may not always get the author responding.
The way my system works is mostly organised, in that generally people have to introduce themselves, and generally it’s somewhat an agreed switch, but not always. So sometimes I may not even be aware a blog post has been made, but usually I will be, and everyone will be in agreement about the switch. I entirely expect the ‘others’ section to be full of random new personalities until they become more defined. I am also shortly going to switch with Kay as I am positive I want him to be the first alter post.
He may be resistant, but he has agreed ^w^
So, see you all the other side of his blog! Now to work out how to display this… XD