Kay

-_-

I…Just…don’t…even.
You two are both really bad at this. YOU are rubbish at words, and you know exactly who YOU are. Yeah you fucked up again. Meanwhile Tasha? You need to learn to fucking talk about things and not just go ‘oh, okay that hurt’ and then cover everything up like it didn’t matter until you have an episode. For two people working on communication, you’re both bloody terrible at it. (Starshine you get a free pass you’ve been doing amazingly. Gimme a nudge if you need help, I always have time to give you advice.)

Tundra

If I may, I am going to run through the thought process of our pup for just a moment. As there is no way to convey this in any other format.
“I am amazing because…because I’m a fucking failure and still somehow have people supporting me? Because my life is stupid and pointless but I just can’t die? No, no I’m meant to think of good things, good things, I am amazing, I am amazing…..except I’m not, I’m appallingly useless and pathetic, I’m rubbish, I’m…I’m nothing…I’m no one good, and people will realise eventually and turn their backs and walk away wondering what kind of mistake they ever made…that’s me. A mistake.”
This is why it’s hard. This is why it’s a challenge. And this is only the first sentence of many. They go through this over and over, fighting to get the good thing, fighting to find it, to see themselves not as some demon…and now they’re scared, and now they’re lonely, and now they’re shutting people out, except still they’re not. Still they open up, and reach out. They expect daggers slicing their palm apart, but still they open it and reach, begging for one small thing: Someone to take their hand in theirs. Sure, they also want that person to pull them free of their own muddy grave, to help them be held close, to feel safe, but they don’t ask for that. All they ask is that that person does not let go. They expect them to, and they won’t resist, they will not cling.
Except this time. This time they are clinging, and they are not letting go, and they are so scared of these hands going limp, and dropping them. And so are we. We feel their fear, we see their nightmares, and we know their heart. And hear them cry.
Why do we stand by them despite all they have done? Despite their disaster inducing life? Because it’s not their fault, and every day they fight for something. No matter how small. And right now they are scared and more alone feeling than ever, but are unwilling to reach out until they know for sure. I will not explain, that is theirs to say. But I hope a hand will hold theirs tightly as they face this next challenge.

Tasha

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There is a skull inside my head forming, it is calling to other fae, it has Beth’s eye, and I keep feeling like something is coming, and keep dreaming other fae take control of me, but so far I’m still me. I hope the wolves know what’s going on because I sure as hell don’t…

Kay Tasha combo

Message from Kay – Tasha is stupid but we love them. They will do their best, and we will do our best to support them. They think they’re gonna fail, but they’re not, cos we’re here, and you’re here, and they’re here, and guess what, that means there’s a full team. So you know, don’t be an idiot either.

Message from Tasha – This year has been tough, next year will be tougher, but like in that book, Holes, the holes don’t get easier or harder, you just have to keep digging and hope the end of the day comes. But unlike that book, there’s a lot of shiny presents along the way, and I will treasure every single one of them. Love you all ❤

Tasha, again

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Yes, my brain is a fucking shit. No, it doesn’t give me a rest. But it also doesn’t give anyone else a rest, so I have to set boundaries, so I have to limit what I say and when, and I feel like I’m going to fucking break apart because….because christmas is important, because I’m alone again, because the wolves worked to give me 36 hours clear of Beth and episodes, and instead I’m sitting alone in my room aware that no one wants to talk to me cos everyone needs a fucking break so even when I’ve done everything I can to make myself as low maintenance as possible…I’m still…unwanted.

I know, I’m not. I know, that’s BS, but…it doesn’t feel like it. There’s no Beth, no creatures, no voices telling me that. Just…my own stupid brain.

And it hurts. But I can’t tell you, because then you’ll have to deal with me.
But…it hurts.

Tasha

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Christmas eve. I don’t have much to say other than I am going to fucking enjoy Christmas, and Beth can fuck right off. Enacting 36 hour protection from midday today (Christmas eve) until midnight of Christmas day.

I cannot stop the fights, the spats, the tearing off of Christmas hats,
I cannot stop the moody brats, the people who throw tits for tats,
But this celebrations is mine though, even if there is no snow,
I will make it work and smile and watch good feelings blossom and grow.
Tis the season, tis the day, things are gonna go our way,
Whether skies are blue or grey, we will make it work, us fae.

This is my 36 hour christmas promise. Enacting christmas protection at midday. Wolf pack is go.

Orion post

Hi, there was a lot of debate about who to post this but I’m going to say something even if no one else will. Beth has now violated Tasha twice, and I am worried about their safety and health as a result, this time they were conscious, and aware, and had to experience it as well as any repercussions. If we find a way to destroy Beth it will never come too soon. I am fucking livid.

Tasha

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So the upside of this blog is I can somewhat keep a track of who’s been in control. Hi Beth, you seem unwilling to talk directly to me, so I guess I’ll speak here. I know exactly what you meant in your last post, so thanks for the tip, you forget we share the same space, and, well, you’re not very original. I know now that it was you who took over a: without permission, b: without letting me know who it was, and c: pretended to be me. That’s a whole lotta fun right there huh? Well, if you wanna talk anytime, I am right here. Literally. Also what the fuck did you say to convince the wolves not to share? They seem to think it’s within my best interests not to know. But you aren’t exactly subtle.

In other news, I was entirely me at my dad, and then less so but still blunt about how much she’s put me through at my mum, and now I am getting neutral to silence from the both of them. It’s almost like they don’t know how to be reasonable people so are shunting the blame of them making my mental health worse RIGHT back at me. (Pro tip, it’s not almost like, it is exactly like.)

I also appear to be the best at writing long blogs, or rather not short ones. Sorry for worrying you Fuscus. I know, I said it in person already but…Imma make a point of saying it here as well. ❤