Everything hurts, everything is pain, everything is too bright, too much, too deep…and it hurts. I am living through life being told to jump into someones arms, and then they move, and are gone, and I’m falling.
I can’t do this.
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Feena
I guess I really haven’t posted yet, huh. Was just going to say I’m helping Tasha make a tabletop system, I’m trying to distract them from trauma, thoughts of death, and the fact that they nearly drowned the body last night in the ocean. Yeah that was fun, the 8 year old Jenny came out as the body went under. She can’t swim. But at least kept the head mostly above water. Tasha is hibernating badly, as now is Jenny because the doctors refused to understand that she wasn’t Tasha. Fuckin hospitals, seriously.
Jenny
It’s about time I posted here. I’ve been very much part of fixing Tasha, and their life, and their environment, I even cook sometimes now. I don’t really know what to say though. I guess hi. I don’t know who reads these anymore, I know Dawn does, (Hi Dawn), but other than that, um, I don’t really know. Oh oh oh! I know, comment on here if you’re reading this! If you read this, leave a comment, and it’ll mean I know who’s out there!
It’s kinda scary around the inside of the system right now, cos everyone’s very stressed and upset, and, well, you know who is being herself. But I don’t think that means anything unusual. I think it means the same thing it always does, which is that things are actually changing. If things were staying the same, everyone would be miserable, but quiet. Feena came back, that means something. Moonpup is a personality, that also means something. It’s moving, life I mean, stuff and everything. Alright, I’ll let Tasha get back to writing their play now. Ni night.
Sirus
Well, this is weird, I don’t usually do this. But hey, I’ve noticed a pattern no one else has, Tasha’s days seem to go in waves. Bad day, meh day, good day, meh day, bad day. No one else has picked up on that it also goes in twos. Days go in twos, there’s, like, no rational reason for that, but no one else has picked up on it. Except Kay, but he doesn’t exactly talk about it. Also it’s really hard to type when people keep trying to talk to me. People are weird.
Kay
I’ve been letting things go a bit. I know. I let others take the roles I fill, and waited to see if it worked rather than staying in charge of them myself. That time is over. I am back to usual, and I am back in my role. Tasha and I are closer than ever, and honestly, I see them having a full and good future, I just need to make sure they don’t do anything stupid. The pack is back as Tasha keeps saying. The wolves were distant for a while, but we are back, and more solid than ever. The time has come, and the time has passed, now is now. We are here. And we will not fall.
Tasha
Upside Downside time.
So, on the upside, I am doing better today and haven’t had a proper episode in a few days, and the one I did have turned into drinking with friends!
On the downside, I got mansplained and talked over at until I left early.
Upside, I am not hungover.
Downside, the 8 year old inside, Jenny, also got out a bit whilst drinking, and has now experienced being drunk.
Upside, she only drunk texted concern for other people.
Downside, it was Rose, who is already acting weird. (Which, in Jenny’s defence is probably why it happened)
Upside, Jenny also had a nice chat with the DID specialist and we may be trying to ease her paranoia (Jenny’s that is).
Downside, since I last posted, Beth has been active as fuck due to being summoned back into the system in an aim to protect other people.
Upside, she’s been quieter, and more easy to reason with.
Downside, that lured Rose into a conversation with her which took a really dark turn verbally.
Upside, we know Beth is still a bitch.
Downside, Beth is a bitch.
Overall…eh?
Tasha – Moonbeam
I am power, I am life, I am creation and I am destruction, I am connected to the earth in ways I forgot, in ways people don’t see, I see things yes, but they’re not the future, and not the past.
They are NOW.
I am now.
And I will not let them push me around anymore. I know what I am, who I am, and even if I don’t understand it? I am being it. And fuck anyone who tells me I’m wrong. I know what I know, and they can see their narrow walls all they want, those walls aren’t mine.
I am a Moon Beam, and I am strong.
I am Faeborn.
Tasha
I’m scared. There’s a fae, not in my system, in someone else’s. And she’s scaring me. She and Orion got confrontational, and ever since I’ve been on edge, and then the other day when I was about to leave a friends house cos I felt an episode coming on, she came out. She told me to have fun. She knew. I knew. And the host doesn’t.
I don’t trust myself, but I’ve never trusted others. And yet I want to trust this person, the host. But with that fae inside her…I have to lock my door, I have to keep my distance, I have to be alert. And I am waiting for something bad to happen. She doesn’t know I’m old fae, she doesn’t know what we all are. We’re back to when it was day and night only. She’s new, and young. And I am so done with this bullshit, I want to feel safe, I want to feel sane, but I am….scared.
It’s bad enough another person inside you trying to kill you, when someone inside a friend hates you too…
I’m so close to leaving.
Apple
Whatever I did, I did cos I thought it was right.
Kass
Last night Beth took Jenny. Flower made it out, but couldn’t stay awake, and was taken as well. Tasha went with them to make sure they stayed safe, but who the fuck knows if they even are. Jenny is eight, Flower is four. Feena is beating herself up about it, Faerie hasn’t stopped looking, and me? I feel like shredding the entire world apart if it meant finding them. They’re just fuckin kids. Apple is safe, Apple’s got protection. But nothing is helping, how the fuck am I meant to help when nothing will make a difference? Fucks sake. I’m just so fuckin pissed, and so…so done. The body is ill, we moved, and now the body is suffering from illness and stress. Great. Hoping to keep down this mornings tea. Not much solid stays down. Fuck.
The DID pack 