If I may, I am going to run through the thought process of our pup for just a moment. As there is no way to convey this in any other format.
“I am amazing because…because I’m a fucking failure and still somehow have people supporting me? Because my life is stupid and pointless but I just can’t die? No, no I’m meant to think of good things, good things, I am amazing, I am amazing…..except I’m not, I’m appallingly useless and pathetic, I’m rubbish, I’m…I’m nothing…I’m no one good, and people will realise eventually and turn their backs and walk away wondering what kind of mistake they ever made…that’s me. A mistake.”
This is why it’s hard. This is why it’s a challenge. And this is only the first sentence of many. They go through this over and over, fighting to get the good thing, fighting to find it, to see themselves not as some demon…and now they’re scared, and now they’re lonely, and now they’re shutting people out, except still they’re not. Still they open up, and reach out. They expect daggers slicing their palm apart, but still they open it and reach, begging for one small thing: Someone to take their hand in theirs. Sure, they also want that person to pull them free of their own muddy grave, to help them be held close, to feel safe, but they don’t ask for that. All they ask is that that person does not let go. They expect them to, and they won’t resist, they will not cling.
Except this time. This time they are clinging, and they are not letting go, and they are so scared of these hands going limp, and dropping them. And so are we. We feel their fear, we see their nightmares, and we know their heart. And hear them cry.
Why do we stand by them despite all they have done? Despite their disaster inducing life? Because it’s not their fault, and every day they fight for something. No matter how small. And right now they are scared and more alone feeling than ever, but are unwilling to reach out until they know for sure. I will not explain, that is theirs to say. But I hope a hand will hold theirs tightly as they face this next challenge.